26. I can be like you.

I saw it with my own eyes.

I hesitated and you stepped in front of me. Then you sank to the ground in my arms.

You think I’m running from you. I’m not running from you. I’m disgusted. I failed myself. I failed you. What good is a partner who gets his partner shot?

You’re going to fight me on this. Bend your stubborn will to the herculean effort of changing my mind, changing me. You changed my mind since the time I decided that you were adequate. I don’t have friends, I don’t need partners – you were persistent. You were quietly demanding of my respect. My trust. You’re a reason I changed, grew around you, both of us together like trees do when they grow up – close. You’re my best friend, Tim.

I wanted to tell you that when you were lying in that bed in the hospital. My heart was going a mile a minute in my chest. Wondered if you felt my hand on yours, holding you. You know, keeping you from letting go.

I can’t do it again.

I can’t do that again.

I won’t.

I’m not going to let you down. Get you shot. I am going to walk away. Lewis won’t freeze in the line of duty. John Munch will take the shot and bring a gunman down. You’d walk in my shadow and give your life to save mine. You son of a bitch.

For you – like this – no one else could make me give up being a detective. Being murder police – the elite. I am giving it up because of you, for you. What I wouldn’t give up even for Mary. The kids. What I was most proud of. For you. And you’re not even going to be grateful for my sacrifice.

I know you. I know how your mind works.

You’re a dear, dear son of a bitch. Stubborn bastard. I let you follow me, howling at me till I looked at you. Now I can’t look in your face since you woke up and you stared up at me, bewildered in your hospital bed. I hadn’t given you your hand back and I was calling you baby because I’d been scared you’d let go and while you were asleep I knew you were in there – still there – hearing my voice, listening to me. Like always. I convinced you. You convinced me.

You and I – we’re more similar than people think. We show it differently. You’re loud about your feelings and I play mine close to the vest. Tim, you understand me – you don’t understand me. You can think like me and I can be like you. I don’t mind making sacrifices though I don’t like giving up.

Tim. Tim. Tim. Baby.

I’m going to let you go.